We got permission about nine months ago, but it wasn’t a
case of getting an “ok” and then skipping off to the dungeon whenever we feel
like. My girlfriend and I are in constant communication about our arrangement.
Each time I schedule a scene I check in with my girlfriend, that she’s still ok
for this to happen and each time I come home we spend time together as a couple
and check in again. I remind her that I love her and if she wants me to stop, I
will. She tells me she loves me and trusts me to remember her even when I’m
with someone else.
Part of the agreement is that if either his partner or mine
gets uncomfortable and asks for us to stop playing, we will without question.
We enjoy playing and exploring our niches, but our commitment is to our
girlfriends. We appreciate that what we’ve been given is something special,
something that strengthens our relationship with our partners all the more.
Juggling both romantic and kinky relationships is tough –
and not just practically. Scheduling a scene when we’re both off work, both our
partners are busy or out of town and when one of our houses is free is almost
impossible.
We have to keep talking about the arrangement all the time.
Everyone has to be clear and what they do and do not want and how to
communicate that. We are each responsible for our own thresholds and protecting
them. We also have to trust that everyone else is aware of their own limits and
will communicate them clearly.
None of us have been in an open relationship before so we’re
working it out as we go. The two of us have never been in a Dominant/submissive
relationship either. There’s a lot of chat involved every which way. It’s hard
work but it is worth it.
The one thing I’ve found the hardest is asserting my needs
when it comes to negotiating between romantic and kinky relationships. I have
no intention of being prioritised over my dominant’s girlfriend, but during D/s
scenes, the circumstances are altered slightly.
In one of our earlier scenes my dominant received a phone
call from his girlfriend, which he took. The feeling of abandonment was
compounded by my already vulnerable state in the scene and I was incredibly hurt.
I did not feel empowered in the scene to ask that he not take the call. After
thinking about it, and even discussing it with my girlfriend and getting her
opinion, I asked for us to turn our phones off when playing. Now, when our
partners call on a day we’re playing, if they get answer machines they know why
they can’t get through and that we’ll contact them as soon as we turn our
phones back on. This rule makes me feel more secure when I’m being submissive.
Having rules like this does not mean we love our girlfriends
any less, but it is part of the responsibility we have to each other as play
partners. Both relationships are significant and require communication and
effort. Neither can be taken for granted.
As previously mentioned, I often involve my girlfriend in my
D/s relationship. If something is playing on my mind it shows and she is
gracious enough to ask if I want to talk about it. This shows a great deal of
trust and patience, which is a beautiful quality in the woman I want to spend
my life with.
By some miracle, the four of us now socialise as well. We
don’t discuss the arrangement, but it isn’t ignored. The fact that we can share
a meal together and enjoy each other’s company as two couples is something
that’s very precious to me. There’s no tension or jealousy; we all know where
we belong.
It is scary to ask for something you really want, but if
you’re ready to have an honest conversation about it, and keep having those
conversations, there is always a chance that it can work out.
Sometimes, better than you’d hoped.
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